Being struck by boredom all day long, i decided to clear up my memory box - a box in which i keep things which is significant at a point of time in the 16 years ive lived in this world. Opening the box was like opening up the locked part in my heart, the part which ive refused to face for the past few months.

As i took the contents out piece by piece, at times i could feel a trickle of tears flowing down my cheeks and moisting the carpet i was sitting on, and at others, i could hear my soft chuckles ringing throughout the empty household.

One by one the stories of my secondary school life came back to me. Friends of the past, the things we used to do, the friendship we once shared. Once shared. That was meant to be a past tense.

I flipped through an album, and i chuckled as i saw the photos of the Sephy Estrellas. Shafiah, Liyana, Atikah and I. I smiled looking at the stupid poses we took on, i grinned at the funny faces we made. But as the photos took me on a journey to the past, a numbness wrapped me, and i felt sombre when i reflect where we are right now - apart and distant.

I smiled once again when i read the first (and the only) poem a guy has given me, along with a curcuit board that bears my name. I smiled recalling the times i had with him, and how grateful i am that to this day he has forgiven me for my mistakes, and that we both still keep in contact once in a while.

I read over and over again the notes my classmates gave me, when i broke down in class. I remember that day, i had a total breakdown when i couldnt even accomplish a simple a maths question. I cried and just broke down, due to the fact that i thought i was hopeless, and that my life was going astray. These classmates of mine, who were not that close to me, took the time to write notes for me, to show that they care and gave their support. Thanks Michelle, Snow Lin, Heang Min, Claire, Ashrithaa, Xiu Li, Kalpana, Yin Sing and the rest.

I laughed to myself as i read the tonne of postcards Ive received, mostly from Claire. The simple encouragements and jokes she potrayed in her 'lovenotes' were enough to make my day. Thanks dear.

I grinned in accomplishment when i reread the script given to me when i hosted the school event in which President Nathan was present. Stoned for a few moments as i recalled the sweat and tears the councillors took on to make the event a successfull one. Along with the script, i had clipped on all the councillors photos. It is only now that i realised how a big part of my secondary school life revolve around being a councillor.

The slacking talks Ashrithaa and I shared during back gate duty, the times a few of us would gang up together to slack somewhere, the bonding we had in our camps, the fun time we had organising activities, their hentam-ing of me when i stole a million councillor badges and pins, and the tears we shared when we finally had to go on our separate ways.

Sighs of relief escaped me when i finally found my O Level Certificate for my Malay results last year. An A1. The only A1 i could be proud of.

The chewed up guitar pick of mine got crunched up by my teeth once again (eew), and memories of how i mixed with the malay students in my school arose. A bad time of my life, a time in which i blame only myself, and a time in which i shall not relive. I do miss hearing the sound of the guitar created by my own fingers though.

But i guess all these emotions didnt really strike me as much as when i stare at the pictures i took with her, as much as when i read the hundreds of notes she gave me, as much as when i watched the video we created, as much as when i held the bear she gave me. Atikah. I just dont know how to describe how im feeling right now.

I guess all of us makes mistakes, one way or another. My mistake was to bitch about you out of anger, and your mistake was not to even make an effort to keep in contact. I do miss you.

At last i couldnt bear the pain i held in me, and i shoved everything back inside the box and cast it aside. Too much memories to be raked up in too little a time.

I guess it was good, in a way, to keep all these things even if it reminds you of bad things. It was a journey of discovering myself, how ive grown up. How ive bloomed from a nerdy sec 1 (you should see the pics. I am astounded as to how i could bare being so fugly), to a defiant sec 3, and now to a more.. um.. lets say more femalish and grown up JC 1. How my characteristics, thoughts and emotions have changed. The decisions and steps i took to become the Fadhilah you see right now.


My first emofied entry in a long long time, yes?