Mom : Stay in the Kitchen. I'll teach you how to cook real food.
Fad : Alah mak. Don wan't lah. I'm gonna get a maid when i grow up.
Mom : Dun talk big. How you gonna cook for your mother-in-law?
Fad : Wah. Mother-in-law?
Mom : Yah lah. you start first what. Always telling me where/how/when you wanna get married. No shame.

Ahahahhahha. Klaka lah mak aku. That shows how often i tell her i wanna get married. hehehe.

So anyway,im back from Senai baby! i noe you guys missed me, dun deny ok? i can feel it. haha. Hmm. The management at the resort mixed up the booking, and we ended up with no rooms instead of 4 rooms. Therefore, they had to give us the only available room in the entire resort. Which was, the biggestestestest suite and the only one of its kind in the resort! It was like woah! 2 storeys, 3 huge rooms and the toilets are bigger den my own room! like woah! The view was like woah! The dining table was like woah! The chairs were like woah! The bed were like woah! The switches(touchpads) were like woah! The staircase was like woah! The.. WOAH! i tell you, i dun mind honey mooning there. seriously. hahahh.

Anyway the Perjumpaan Hari Raya was ok. I'd have to admit i look rather fugly cuz i didnt bring a tudung that matched, and i so hate the kebaya i was wearing. ugly ugly ugly.

So now im back in Singapore, and i sooo miss my darl. He's away to a Scouts Camp (stop laughing) and will only be back this friday. Den he's off again to Australia next Wednesday, and i will be lonely again for 1 to 2 weeks. Sigh.

* News flash * My cousin just called, and my another cousin, Kiz, is getting engaged next wednesday! Big deal right? IT IS a big deal, cuz she's seventeen!!! like woah. I told my mom i wanted to get engaged next year too (silently hoping she'd say ok, then i can live happily ever after with is. haha), but no, she said " Kau? nak tunang next year? Ni pukol 6:30pm kau blom mandi satu hari. Nanti aper mak mentua kau cakap. Ingat aku tak aja anak-anak aku kebersihan.". ahahhaha. Which, translated, means "You? Want to get engaged next year? Now its 6:30 pm and you still have not bathed for the day. What will you mother-in-law think? That i dun teach my children hygiene?" hahhaha. Yes yes i've yet to bathed.

Gonna head to the toilet after this, as i have to help out at my mom's shop later. I cant wait for the Singapore Idol get together tomorrow with Rhino and Pig. Eek so fun! So sad i cant stay over. sigh sigh. Why cant my mom trust me for once? Sighsighsighsigh. Oh well.

Oh yeah, ikah got a new hp. Somehow, i didnt find the need to sms her. I know she's budgeted and all, and frankly, i dunnoe what to say. Its kinda sad to see best friends fall apart, but grrl, if you're reading this, i've simply burned out. Whenever im with you, i dunnoe what to say. Its just different. Cuz u dun make an effort to get close to me again, and it hurt(ed) me, and i've let go. For real. So... Im sorry.

Im contented with life at this point of time. A guy who loves me unconditionally. A mother who is learning to trust me more bit by bit. Two frens (rhino and pig) who love me, besides their hobby of degrading me. Online mates(Kin, Lis) who keep me company throughout the night. A guy best fren (Kim) who can actually listen to all my problems without judging me. Mates (Nas, Rez) who are there to lend a listening ear and to add abit of spice to my life. And not to forget, countless VCDs to watch.

Yes yes. I bought a "Best of Metallica" and "Greenday" Cd, a "Seed of Chucky" (soft porn i tell you) and "Taxi2" Vcd and a "Mafia" Ps2 game for the dearest. all pirated, no doubt. wahaha. will be exchanging VcDs with my bestestest cousin soon enough.

This entry is too long? No? i think it is. Im tired of typing. So i shall round this up, by letting you readers see a pic of me when i was in primary school, as something to laugh at, a gift for reading my blog. hurhurhur.



I look like a retard? Yes? Like a Bangladesh refugee? Bleargh! I better do myself justice. I have *ahem* CERTAINLY grown up to be a better looking person. Thank God.



Tadaaa! I think God pity-ed me and decided to give me better looks. Alhamudillah. hehehe.

I apologise sayang. Im such a bugger. I never realise how much you loved me. I never realised what shit im putting you through. I'll try my best from now on. I promise. And i love you loads.

Faddy is such a shithead. Pull urself together fad! There's noone other then him that can take ur paranoia and insecurity. Be thankful he loves you. Note to self: Please be more open and tell him when you feel that something is wrong with the relationship. Dont keep it to urself. He deserves to know.

So the sun is shining, and i feel myself getting better. Partly because of this:

I just want us to continue this relationship of trust as per normal and want you to know that i love you as much as you love me.. Im never gonna find a gal who treats me better.

So im heading off to Senai in 30 mins time, to Sofitel Resort, for a perjumpaan raya. The outing will last 2 days, and i'll be back by Sunday night or Monday morning. Dun miss me too much. hahaha.

To Nassy : Thanks grrl for advising me and all! mUuaacckss!! *hearts* u bnyk2.

Peace be upon you.

The gals came over today, by gals i meant Ashrithaa, Claire and XiuLi. From 3:30pm to 8:30pm, i managed to overcome my depression and all.We had fun, we did. Playing the Xbox (which, claire and ash so sucked at), talking/joking, drawing hennas.

When they were gone, all the negativity came back. Specially my mom adding on to it, by giving me a scolding due to the black painted nails. For God's sake, not like i can't wash them off. Today is such a bad day.

And yes, he changed his phone again. Less then a week ago, he used a 6260 den yesterday he bought a 7610 and today he sold that phone to buy a Ps2 and planning to save up for a k700i. Im speechless, so i have no comments.

And no, Fifi's not online to pass me the Raya pics, Leha. So perhaps next time. No promises.

Im going off tomorrow at 1030am to Senai. Will be gone for 2 days.

This is bad. I'm usually giving advises to people to cheer up, to move on, but im not following my own advices. Guess its true; talking is easy, but doing it is hard.

This sucks.

Currently my aunt and her family are eating in my dining table. Im so f*d up looking at the amount of plates i have to wash.

I aint getting the positivity.
I aint getting the smiles.
I aint getting what i deserve.
I aint getting the attention.
I aint getting shite.

Most of all,
I aint getting myself.
DAMNIT. why am i so f*ing paranoid?

Why do people say "Why are you so dark?"
Why do people say "Why are you so tomboy-ish?"
Why do people say all the things that pull me down day in day out.
Can't you see im trying?!

All the things the people around me say affect me, whether i deny it or not. All the things they say make me realise how under average i look. Everyday i tell myself, that im not that bad, that i look ok, that i look fine. But the words they say, are like stones on a slingshot, breaking down the fragile wall of confidence ive built.

And i grow paranoid, i grow insecure.

Nur Fadhilah

Peace be upon you.

I am down and out.
Betrayed by my ownself.
Insecurity, paranoia, jealousy.
They all came back.
One mention, and the doors are open.
The questions pour in.
The heart aches.

The heart aches.
And the tears flow.
The trust dwindle.

This is too much.
I ask for too much.
I ask for too-fuckin-much.
Look at me.
What do i have to offer.
And yet i ask for too much.

It hurts.
The heart aches.

I need a confirmation.
That will never exist.
Cuz the doubts still burned.
Deep inside.
The insecurity.

Just please.
Let the outcome be good.
Please.
Dun make me feel used.

Nur Fadhilah

Peace be upon you.

Im like so addicted to the song, Im Not ok by My Chemical romance. Keep replaying the video over and over again (both live and mtv ones) or hav lisa's and ril's blog in the background. hurhruhru. Im Not Ok. im Not Ok. Im Not o-fuckin-k.

The whole day went really well, but i dun have any pics yet, so detailed explanation will come around in a day or two when fifi passes me the pics.

On a quick recap (to remind myself):

- 10:22 am : Reached WestMall. (Not late ok)

- 10:23 am : Horrified that we are joining the NA/NT group. No offence, but i hate NA/NT guys in my school.

- 10:45 am : Reached Cikgu Hanita's house. Her two kids, Mohammad Ali Putera and Puteri Ayu, refused to be close to anyone but they love me. Heck, when i carried Puteri Ayu, she hesistated to return to her mom even when i wanted to return her to her "rightful owner". hahhaha. Kids love me. Nyeah nyeah.

- 12:00 pm : Left Cikgu's house. Proceeded to Luqman's crib.

- 12:45 pm : Reached Luqman's crib. Was surprised to see his brother cooking in the kitchen and serving us drinks. woo. Great potential. haha.

- 1:45 pm : Left, proceeded to Cikgu Asnida's crib. Bought some food for her since we heard she was sick.

- 2:00 pm : Reached Cikgu Asnida's crib. Again, her son, Fitrah, loves me more den the rest. heeehee.

- 3:00 pm : Left, proceeded to Shape'ah house.

- Den to Fifi's house, where, i , NUr Fadhilah, TOUCHED A BLOODY GIBSON. wooooooooh.

- Den to yana's crib.

- Den met my dearest at JP so he can pass me some Cds. Bought him a keychain. hahha.

- Went hooome.

Love,
Nur Fadhilah.

Peace be upon you.



Is this beautiful or is this beautiful? I WANT IT. GET IT FOR ME. argh.



How bout this? Please? Please? Argh! I'm so in need of a guitar to destress myself. Sigh.

Anyway Kinky Kin, sorry i was asleep and wasnt there to hear you out. I really am. Trust me. 1 dots or 2 dots. I really am sorry.

Yesterday was a day of tiresome events. As in really really tiresome. Mommy dearest woke me up at 930am (yeah dats late but hell i need my beauty sleep man) and got me to clean my room. Apparently we're having another open house. Bleargh. So i got up and cleansed my room in a zombified manner. And guess what i found? 2 bucks under my carpet! wee. im 2 bucks richer. shuddup thats alot of money ok considering that ive spent all my raya money. wahahhaha.

After taking a bath, i then headed to her shop and helped her out. Then there was this angmoh lady who totally changed my views about them being racists towards tudung wearers. She was really friendly and courteous. We need more people like her in this world.

When my aunt and uncle came to take care of the shop, mom and i fled the scene and entered the mini-mart to get our ingredients. Timecheck : 12pm. Reached home at around 12:30 pm and spent the whole day in the kitchen. i am not exagerrating. From 1pm to 7pm i was at the kitchen cooking. and yes, the food were delicious. No, noone got food poisoning. hah.

At around 7:10 my darl came to return me my money which i left with him. So i excused myself from the kitchen, told my mom im meeting him, and went down. Got my ten bucks and i gave him 4 bucks in duit raya. huaargahhaa. I dunnoe, seeing him for that 5 mins really made my day. and NO we didnt memotek, didnt even touch each other ok. im very discreet about our relationship. hahha. Im so lucky to have found a guy who can tahan my paranoia and insecurity. Thanks sayang.. love u lots.. haha.
faddys getting mushy here. wahahahahaha.

So yeah at 8pm the guests start arriving, with Cik Ya arriving first since she was from work. Den nenek, atok and Cik Ai's family arrived, bringing along another xbox controller so that 4 ppl can play at a time (we have 3: one for me,two for my two brothers.) Den Cik Mus's family arrived, followed by Cik Da's family and chaos. hhahaha. When you mix a bunch of adults and a bunch of toddlers you get hyped conversations and screaming heads. Fuh. I had to mantain law and order in the house. hehehe. Banyak aku pe terror. Wahahaa.

As you can see, im in a rather good mood today. This is due to the fact that im going out rayaing later at 930am! feeweet. Money to pay my bills. So happy. hahhahaha. K den wanna go read blogs den get ready to go out. Toodle deeee.



The JAF. Joanna. Ashrithaa. Fadhilah. We were the best of buds in Sec 1 and 2 i think.



Me and my best cuzzie, Anz Kecique. I really like my eye on that day, due to the fact that my aunt put on some unidentified make-upy stuff on it(tho it cant be seen in this pic). hehe.

Love,
Nur Fadhilah.

Peace be upon you.

Im too shagged to write out a long entry about today, so i'd insyallah write about it on another day. But today i present to you. My obsession. (All pics from yesterday's monthsary outing)


I made him pose. haha.


Him reading the love letter i wrote. wahhaa. love letter. dat sounds so primary schoolish.


chey chey. emo day.


Fad Emo-ing.


The scenery. it was kinda cloudy.

Klah. i wanna chat with the Fuckinals and my darl. night people.

Love,
Nur Fadhilah.

Peace be upon you.

Her : Haish. i think im gonna work.
Her Dad : Huh? What for?
Her : Cuz after i use the 500 bucks you gave me to buy the iPod, i wont have enough to go shopping.
Her Dad : Nah. Take another 500 bucks. Dont work.

WAHKAO! Dats 1000 bucks just like that! How i wish my parents were richer... Sigh~

Love,
Nur fadhilah.

Peace be upon you.

Wah today is such a sway day.

On a recap, a newspaper stand (the big besi thing where they hang all the magazines and stuff) fell on me. Den after i went to the toilet to clean up, a kid ripped me of $2. Den my darl pi jitak me on the bruise cuz he forgot all about it. Den while trying to open a door, my feet got squashed. Den i had to use 14 bucks for a taxi fair. Den on the way home in my pakcik's car, his son boxed me in the eye, and now my right eye is swollen and red.

But. i still enjoyed the day. waahahaha.

The Newspaperstand.
After alighting my bus at JP, i decided to grab a StraitsTimes to read on the bus. When i reached the newspaper stand, i was the only one there. At the point where i wanted to pick up the paper, the lady at the counter accidentally hit the stand, and the whole thing (HUGE i tell u) fell on me. I fell to the floor, my gums bleeding and the left side of my head bruised cuz the end of the metal bar fell on it. The whole hustle bustle scene at JP grounded to a halt, all the ahpeks ahmas, makcik pakciks, mats minahs all stare at me. ARGH. my ego was bruised too. So i sat there on the floor with pakciks and ahpeks asking me whether i was ok, whether i wanted to go to the hospital. I just kept shaking my head, and sat there for another 5 mins while ppl helped to lift the stand up again. And after all of that, i got a free copy of the Straits Times. wahahaha.

The $2 ripoff.
Argh. When i got out from the toilet at JE (got another packet of tissue papers for my bleeding gums), this young child of about p5 approached me, and asked for 7 bucks. i wanted to say no, but he was literally begging me, so i said i only has 2 bucks. and gave him dat. but i dun trust him lah. k watever.

The Jitak.
So after heading to the Esplenade Library and walking out to the waterfront, he jitaked me on the exact place of the bruise. ARGH pain pain.

The squashed toe.
Trying to open a door, got my toe stuck in between. 'Nuff said.

The taxi fare.
After watching Saw (Great movie, great twist in the end), i was like horribly late for my makcik's open house, so i ended up borrowing money from Kimmi and Him taking a cab with me to Yew Tee then to his home. Total bucks : $14. argh.

The boxing man.
So there i was sitting in the car when i saw a box of chocolates i bought earlier on. Being the good cousin dat i am, i turned around and offered some to my lil cousin. He took it, den out of gratitude, punched me squarely in the eye. ARGH. So FUCKIN hurts with my contacts and my mascara poking into my eye. And his fist is the exact size of my eye pocket, so it went in quite deep. SAKIT.

ARGH. okok dat was sway. BUT i still enjoyed the day. Why?

1) I got to spend time with darl from 1030am to 830pm.
- We went to Funan the IT mall.
- Paid half of his Rs-MMC card for him.
- He paid for my meals at Deli. (Shepherds pie. yum yum)
- We played this XBOX game for a quite a long while.
- We went to Esplenade.
- He had to wait for me to finish reading half of a thick book. (sorry sayang)
- We sat and talked2 at the Garden rooftop and the waterfront.
- We went to watch Saw.
- AND HE WAS SO HOT TODAY. woooooooo. smart shirt, jeans, nikes, and a superlicious cologne. OH MA GAWD. hahahhahahahahhaha.

2) Another 5some.
- We watched Saw.
- Actually it was a 6some, cuz Kim's long lost cousin ariff also came along.
- Nas and Farez were as usual, giler smacam.
- farez actually stripped in front of the theater, berkenal2 with this chinese grrl behind him, much to her amusement.
- Kim and ariff were quite quiet, but yeah. I miss kim.

3) Open house at Cik Da's crib.
- Got to spend time with my couzies.
- No actually i prefered spending time with my uncles and aunties. My couzies too young.
- Cik Ya bought me and wani two tickets to Malam Nusantara at Esplenade on the 11th Dec. wooohooo.

So yeah. Its not that im lazy to write, but my eye really hurts and i have a throbbing headache plus kinky kin is pestering me to hurry up. hahhaa.

Love,
Nur Fadhilah Wahid.

Peace be upon you.

I am back in business. wowee.
Olevels have finished with a bang. Literally. As in the moment the invidulator said "You are dismissed", the whole hall shouted and we had these firecracker thingies which went "BANG". So yeah, O levels have finished with a bang.

Im currently down with the flu, i have like a million and one things to write, but im like so shagged. So. I dun wanna promise. hehehehhe. next time!

Love,
Faddy.

Peace be upon you.

Open envelope.
Fau : Ah ni dalam ader seplo. atok kasi.
Far : Ah ah. atok pon kasi adek seplo.
Fad : .... (Empty envelope)

Aaaaaaaaaargh. Im so sad. haish. dats ten bucks lesser den my adek2. hehe. niway im too tired to update fully. hehhee. tomorro k?

and Oooh. im wearing mascara for the first time today, and i loike my eyes much much more. next stop tomorro : Mascara land! weee. hahahha.

Love,
Faddy.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

I will update this as soon as i get home from my grannie's.

Its a raya promise.

I have loads to reflect and talk about.

Salam lebaran,

Nur Fadhilah Bte Wahid.

Peace be upon you.




Ahh. The song belaian Jiwa does bring back alot of memories, right kin[k]i kin kin. heh. Sitting on my windowsill deep in the night, the song calming my nerves, yet bringing tears to the eye. Jiwang beb. Maha Jiwang. heh. Voted for Taufik from my own pockets!

Eid Mubarak is approaching, and yet, it felt as if i have not fast enough yet. Ive not been a good Muslim at all during this fasting month, skipping some of the Solats, not going terawih, listening to more Metal songs instead of berzikir-ing and some other stuffs which, i shall keep private. Im sorry God. I really am. Actually i cant wait for the next fasting month to prove to myself that i can behave really well for 1 month. Just 1 month. Haish. This year, i realise that the prospect of celebrating Aidilfitri doesnt appeal to me as much as it does before. Maybe its due to my OLevels, but maybe.. maybe its due to the fact that ive not been a good muslim. Its true what they say you know, the only people who really feel the true Syawal groove in them are the ones who actually embrace Ramadhan fully. Not been doing so this year. Haish. Depressed. Depressed.

Got to know one of my cuzzy is now being reprimanded at the Police Station since 4am in the morning for illegal gathering. Haish. And its 2 days before Aidilfitri. Hope he manages to get out soon. Must be devastating for the mom.

Argh. Raya songs playing in the background, but they still are not playing my favourite! You know.. the one that goes..
"tontakola. Kain langsir ela ela. Nenek rambut putih. Datuk janggut merah. Emak jangan meleter. Bapak jangan marah. Jangan masok kolong. Hari ini hari raya!". heh.

My second year celebrating Raya without my nenek. Allahyarhamha Fatimah. Celebrations on my mom's side have been different somehow without her. We no longer get to see all of our relatives on the first day. So sad.



I miss my darl. I cant wait for the day that i can spend with him without anything bothering us. From sunrise to the next sunrise. Where we can just enjoy each other's company (without memoteking, just comfort), a book in hand, basketfull of foods and drinks, where we can enjoy the scenery. hah. dream on fad.

Currently waiting for Ashrithaa's or Claire's call to study together in the afternoon. Hope its not cancelled. Unreliable people these two frens of mine. bleargh. haha. Always cancelling stuff at the last minute, or coming down an hr late. sheesh.

Orait then. Think i shud head for the bathroom. I stink. And i have phelgm somewhere on my shirt. huaargahah. Had a coughing fit yesterday so terok, dat phelgm spilled all over the rubbish bin and my shirt. Felt like shit man. My throat is red and my voice is hoarse. Mom offered me money to go to the docs, which meant i dun have to fast, which meant i have to repay back more next time. Fergeddit man. I told her that wudnt it be better if she gave me the money to go shop2? she whacked me with tons of naggings, leaving me scampering for shelter in my room.

Ok ok one last paragraph. I can say im in a good mood today, despite being sick and all. Cuz i had a great dream yesterday. I dreamt that mommy bought me a GIBSON LESPAUL VOODOO. huaargahahha. And bought for Fauzi a Zildjian drum set, and for Farhan, an unidentified bass. so me and my brothers formed a band. huargahhahaha. Mane aku tak happy? Oh well. Even though it was only a dream, i did manage to hold a Gibson LesPaul in it. heeehee.

Love,
Nur Fadhilah.

Peace be upon you.

Huargh. Guilt guilt.
Mengata dulang paku serpih, mengata orang AKU yang lebih.
Shits.
What a disgrace.

On a sidenote, been doing (fugly) stencils, cutting them and aerosoling every blank piece of cardboard/paper lying around the house. so much for studying. some of the (bleargh) works:


All faddy lovers in the world. unite and fight!



My current obsession. Since 5 mths ago.


Emo dick.


Chiak.


My best cuzzy ever. Not been seing her this few weeks. haish.


Crazy couple Nas & Arez.

Oh and i have a killer gerbil done in my room with white aerosol and masking tape. And been ordering for an ao graff by killer himself, as well as some paste-ups to paste around my area. i swear i love my room right now. When everythings up and dope, i shall paste the pics here. weee. now to retreat to my room, and have my nightly chat with my knight in shining armour.

Rasalah ketupat ini.. dengan rendangnya sekali.. sudilah rasa kuih ku.. pilihlah yang mana satu.. hai~ di hari begini kita menjamu selera.. kita bermaaf-maafan disuasana hari raya!!

Yay yay. Hari Raya Aidilfitri coming soon. Cant wait to rasa ketupat rendang and not to forget scrumptious kiuh muih yang ada!

Love,
Nur Fadhilah.