I feel like breaking away from life for a while. I feel like going away to some deserted island all alone, to enjoy the sun, the sand and the sea without anyone making remarks about my skin, my hair, the way i look, the way i behave. I feel claustrophobic.
On the outside i behave normally. But i'm kinda sick of everything. I'm sick of you repeating "cacat cacat cacat" like its some fucking mantra which will earn you tickets to get to heaven. Fara stroke the right chords when she asked
I had grinned and shrugged. What can i do? If i make a big fucking fuss out of it, people will start saying that i can't take jokes. I guess its funny in the beginning, or when it comes up once in a while, but when you repeat it every single day to me, every time you meet me, its fucking annoying and makes me fucking irritated. Yeah, you say that and i laugh (oscar award winner) and they laugh and im the comic relief for the day. yay. Im tired of being the comic relief every single day, and the best part is that i dont even get paid. Isnt there just ONE fucking day you can give it a rest?
Im tired of being told how under-average or average i look. I KNOW im dark. I KNOW my hair's a mess. I KNOW i have slight odour. I KNOW im short. I KNOW i look like a boy. You know i cant do anything about it, and that i've tried my best. I look at myself in the mirror every single day and all the remarks i hear come back to me and day after day i see an uglier me looking back from the other side. Its taking a toll on me. I want to be beautiful like you, like them, but if im born with this pigmentation, this hair, this DNA, what can i do about it?
I don't understand fucking french revolution. I don't understand whatever shit that's coming out of her mouth every lesson, and i can't seem to understand even after reading the fuckin notes.
I'm not gonna get my A in Economics even though i studied for days for it. I'm not gonna get good grades for my Malay A as i absolutely find the lessons a BORE. Never would i have thought Sastera would be a bore. i want my higher malay teacher back.
Im fucking tired. And i don't know who to turn to to pour out all my emotions. Im fucked up. I'm close to noone right now, except for the other half. and he's sick and i don't want to bother him. I've let Claire down. I've let my friends down. I've let myself down. Im tired. Im tired. Am i having a nervous breakdown?
I move like a clockwork robot these days. I don't mind helping people, but i fucking hate it when you step over my head just because i don't make a big deal.
I am in need of someone to fill up this hole in me right now. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is gonna be ok. I need someone to wipe the tears that are streaming down my face. I need someone who will tell me that all these physical appearances really doesnt matter. I need a friend. Oh wow i sound fucking desperate.
And if you're one of my JJmates who happen to read this, i'd appreciate if you don't talk about it to me in school. Thanks a bunch.
Im tired. Im tired. Im tired. I want to break away. I want to break away. I want to break away. I want to be special. I want to be special. I want to be special. I want to feel loved. I want to feel loved. I want to feel loved.
